"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."