"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Bury me next to a straight man."