"Time wounds all heels."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
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