"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Time wounds all heels."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
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