"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
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