"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
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