"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
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