"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Time wounds all heels."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
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