"Time wounds all heels."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
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