“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
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