“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll