“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
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