“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
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