“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
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