"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball