“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon