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beef cooking temperature Jokes

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The Big Bastard

A priest goes on a fishing trip with a few others and some sailors to help them. A few hours in, he suddenly hooks a very big fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that Bastard!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Bastard fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge Bastard!" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called," says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that bastard and we could have it for dinner." So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this bastard for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a bastard", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that bastard tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the bastard!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the bastard!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the bastard!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a long moment with a steely gaze, leans back in his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what? You schmucks are alright."

Meat Puns

Gorilla Puns

Food puns

Funny Tongue Twisters

Men and Women Take Different University Courses

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. Below them are 10 courses the male staff offered right back.. Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men 1. Combating Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do Housework 3. Resistance to Beer 4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas 6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks") 9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook 10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong 11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 13. You, The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons To Give Flowers 15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb 16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please 17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat 18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies 19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost 20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency 21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes 22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too 23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous 24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver 26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home 27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary 28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag 2. You Can Change The Oil Too 4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug 5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas 6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness 7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football 8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around 9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop 10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right 11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself 12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right 13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility 14. You, The Whining Sex 15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours 16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother 17. How To Close The Garage Door 18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation 19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia 20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank 21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation 22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself 23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend 24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous 25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother 26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack 27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most 28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men 29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving 30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

Strawberry Puns

Donut Puns

Backseat Cook

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in... Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fridge. "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DARN EGGS" At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs!" The husband simply smiles, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like to be driving with you in the car."

Astronaut Puns

The Husband's Budgetary Concerns

A rich man comes home and immediately starts shouting at his wife. "I've been looking at our expenses and they are through the roof! What have you got so much to spend on? From now on, things will need to be different!" "Different how?" the wife asked. "Well, for starters, if you learned how to cook, we wouldn't need a personal chef. If you learned to clean, we wouldn't need a maid!" The wife looks at him and responds: "Then we just need to teach you how to satisfy a woman. Then we can let the gardener go as well."

How Experts Ask for a Raise

An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise. The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise. She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?" "Well, madam, there are tree reasons why I should. The 1st is that I do iron better than you." Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?” Anna: “Your husband he say so.” Wife: “Oh yeah?” The second reason: “Annaeez that I am a better cook than you.” Wife: “That's a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?” Anna: “Your hozban he did.” Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?” Anna: “The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.” The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, asks, “And did my husband say that as well?” Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.” A moment of silence passes... "So... how much do you want?”

The Battle of the Lake

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squire's polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom wasn't so wealthy and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squire's polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor. The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and couldn't fight. The squire of the third kingdom couldn't rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. It just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

The Super Wife

Sam and his wife Rachel were playing golf at the club when she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. Sam said, 'Wow I have never seen you play this well before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point. Sam said to her: 'Wow I have never seen you hit so well before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. On the weekend they settled into a nice dinner at home. Rachel brings out the perfect plates of Beef Wellington and Sam says, 'Delicious! I have never seen you cook like this before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. After dinner she gives him THAT look and they go upstairs. About 30 minutes later Sam rolls over and says 'Wow! That was incredible, amazing, so hot! I want a divorce.'

Little Johnny and the Alligator

So one day, Grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Elvis Pick Up Lines

The Smartphone Poem

My new phone is "smart." I guess that I'm not. Amazing what all this here smart phone has got. TV and Weather and Internet, too. There's just no limits to what it can do. Check my blood pressure and my temperature Without even probing all my apertures. I now know the time in Paris or Greece. I can track the migration of thousands of geese Or find Chinese food; it's here on this map. Oops, my finger just slipped, now where was that at? A camera...a CAMERA! Now I can take shots Of everyone I know (who'd rather I not). Push this here button and take me a "selfie." (If it had a nose would this thing take a "smellfie"?) Email to pester with, video to shoot, Maps to drive 'round with, wow that's a hoot! A compass to guide me home if I'm lost. Thank God work paid for this thing (what it COSTS!). The things that it does would amaze Mr. Bell. What he would have thought of it, no one can tell, But one question's still stuck in my middle-aged craw. Despite all the gizmos that strike me with awe, They're fun and they're useful and "techy" and all ...But how do I just simply make a phone call?

Password Puns

Weather Puns

The Statistics Instincts

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket. The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out." The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants." While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?!?" "Trying to get an adequate sample size!"

Toaster Puns

Weird Temperatures

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?” “In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh that crazy old fart…” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”

The a Problem With the Migratory Bird

According to the Knight-Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv". Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

Soap Puns

Animal Puns

Joe Knows How to Handle Things at Home

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Greece Puns

Soup Puns

Windows vs. Ford

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: "If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash - twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

An act of kindness

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. She screamed at him: "You're a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I'm your faithful wife!" She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: "Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!" "Fine!" sobbed the angry wife, "but they will be your LAST words to me!" "Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home. She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening. Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don't wear because the colors don't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, "Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn't use anymore?"

Onion Puns

Drugstore Pick Up Lines

How to Tell Boys and Girls Apart

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat. "What did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls!" she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing and girls don't," she added. "Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy." I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour. "Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" she asked. My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well…" I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?" Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once? "Oh, well...um..." I stammered. She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's ‘cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked." That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole, I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag. "I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?" I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud. She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it … and I did … she got over her pique. That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

Space Puns

One Liners and Short Jokes

One Liners for Kids

Inviting Friends Over

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight." As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening. His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!" The husband said, "I know all that." The wife looked at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace. "Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife. The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

Buffalo Puns

Ancient Rome Puns

Medical Pick Up Lines

Employment Conditions at The Ranch

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus he gets free room and board." "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. "Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. "He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. "He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent. "That would be me." replied the rancher.

Cow Puns

The Physics of Hell

At a Physics course at a University, many years ago, the professor thought to give his students the following assignment to answer: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A+"

Leg Puns

A Special Hearing Problem

An elderly man feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, but meanwhile, suggested a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens when I talk to her." "Honey, what's for dinner?" He calls. No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. He starts shouting. "HONEY, what's for dinner?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "HONEY, what's for DINNER??". No response. So he walks right up behind her and screams: "HONEY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER??!?!" His wife turns to him a rage and screams. "CHICKEN, CHICKEN! For the FIFTH TIME WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!"

Pea Puns

Chuck Norris Jokes

Funny Headlines

The Priest, the Angel and the Perfect Golf Swing

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. As this was going on, an angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away! A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited, his mouth open in shock. The angel was a little shocked as well. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." God smiled. "Think about it... who is he going to tell?!?"

Biology Puns

France Puns

The Politician, the Oil Baron and the Pilot

A politician, an oil baron and their pilot crash in the middle of the ocean. They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset. When they meet back up, the politician returned with 4 fish, the oil baron found what he needed to build an open fire, and the pilot found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting their one fish, the politician was going to grab the last fish when the oil baron slapped his hand. They got into an argument, with the politician believing since he spent all day catching fish, he deserved his extra. The oil baron disagreed and said that he supplied the material needed to cook the fish and so it should be his. The conflict escalated, and as they were about to start a fist fight, the pilot sat back and was nervously rubbing his bottle. All of a sudden, the bottle's cork flew off, and a huge green genie appeared in front of them, muscular arms crossed in front of him. "You have freed me, weary traveler!" he booms at the pilot. "I was dropped in the middle of the ocean centuries ago, and now, to thank you, I shall give you three wishes, as is custom." The pilot stopped the genie and asked if instead of giving him three wishes if he could give each of them one, with which the genie generously agreed. The pilot has thought about this before, and he was going to say his wish, but out of fury, the politician pointed at the oil baron and spit out, "I wish all greedy people like him would disappear!" The genie laughed, and was going to grant the wish, until the oil baron said, "well I wish all power-hungry people like HIM disappeared!" The genie looked concerned, and so asked the pilot for his wish. Thinking for a few minutes, the pilot then tells the genie "I'd like my plane fixed, good as new." All three look at the pilot, confused by his modest wish. "You can ask for ANYTHING. Why would you only wish for that?" says an astonished politician. "Well, I was going to wish for world peace," said the pilot, "but you two seemed to have taken care of that."

Full Permission

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. A few days before the group’s annual departure date, John’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. John’s fishing buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do? Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and drinking a cold beer. “Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?” “Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, “Guess who?” I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she’d lit candles and put rose petals all over the place, looked like something out of a movie. Well, she’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey or something. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, ‘Honey, you can do whatever you want.’ So, boys, here I am!”

Great Catch - I'll Buy You Dinner

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible. "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Kitchen Puns

Getting Out Early

Phil, a program manager at a small business, walks out of his office and waves goodbye to his team of employees: Joe, Rick, and Andy. They see Phil walking out, and unenthusiastically wave back. A disgruntled Andy looks at the guys and says: “Can you believe this? Every day for the last 6 months this monkey leaves at 4:00 leaving the rest of us to work overtime.” Joe: “I wish he would help us though, or at least hire more help. I’ve been watching re-runs of my favorite shows on the weekends because I keep missing them.” Rick: “I know, it’s just not fair. I have kids I want to spend time with.” Andy: “I don’t care about the project anymore. I haven’t had a home-cooked dinner in months because I’m always stuck working.” Rick: “Well what can we do? We can’t just ignore our work and leave like Phil does. We have deadlines.” The guys all agree Rick was right and continue to work ridiculous hours for the next week. One day at lunch Andy pipes up again. Andy: “I’m sick of working these hours. I never get to see my wife, and Phil clearly has no idea how long we are here every night.” Joe: “I know man. I missed last night's episode of my favorite show, and now I have to avoid everyone who watched it.” Rick: “I hear you both. I’ve missed every soccer game the boys had this month and my wife keeps hassling me about it.” Andy: “You know what we should do? We should just leave early like Phil does. Forget working late.” Rick: “What!? We can’t do that. If we leave early, we will fall behind even more than we already are.” Joe: “Yeah, what are you thinking Andy? Plus, we will get caught and could lose our jobs.” Andy: “Hear me out, first guys. Phil is our manager. He is the only one we report to, and how would he even know? He leaves every day at 4:00 on the dot. We just simply leave 15 minutes after he does.” Joe: “I don’t know, Andy. That sounds really risky.” Andy: “Come on. Don’t you want to see those shows you always talk about? How about you Rick? Don’t you want to see your kids play in their soccer games?” Both Andy and Rick nod their heads in agreement. Rick: “Okay but how would we— when would we even do this? Surely not today?” Andy: “I don’t see why not? Rick, your boys have a game tonight, right? It would be a great surprise for them to have you show up, and I bet your wife would forget all about the games you missed.” Rick: “Yeah that would be a nice surprise for all of them.” Joe: “So we're doing it? We're all leaving today 15 minutes after Phil does?” Andy: “Yes. Now let’s finish up lunch and get back to work.” The three guys go back to work, occasionally glancing at the clock just counting down the time till they could leave. Sure enough, 4:00 rolls around and Phil comes strolling out of his office waving goodbye to his team. All three wave back, this time a little more eager to bid their boss farewell. Fifteen minutes fly by and as they planned, each gets up from their desk and leaves for the day. The next morning Rick, And, and Joe all meet up at the coffee machine in the break room at work. Joe, all eager from binge watching his favorite shows, asked the other guys, “So how were your nights off??” Rick: “Mine was great. The boys were totally surprised I showed up, they won their game and my wife was so happy.” Joe: “That’s great Rick! I finally got caught up on my shows and even had time to start a new show.” Rick: “What about you Andy, did you get that home cooked dinner you’ve been missing?” Andy: “Heck no. I was pulling into the driveway and I see Phil’s truck sitting right there. At first, I wasn’t sure, if it was him so I snuck out back to peek through the windows and sure enough he was sitting there having dinner with my wife. I got so scared he would see me, so I hauled my butt back here. We definitely won't be skipping out early again boys!”

Funny Winter Quotes

The Impatient Mother-in-Law

A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving night and invites the whole family to spend the holiday and meal together. The family gathers, but the couple's children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud: "Ugh, your children, always late." Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her. After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain: "Ugh, what's with the food here, why is it always late?" A few minutes later, the couple bring out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone eats and the evening continues. While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says: "Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time." A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her. Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: "Ugh, this clock... always late."

The Boy and His 7 Wives

This is a the story of a 5 years old son, who, after watching a story of an Emperor on TV, said to his mother: "Mum, I also want 7 wives, one will cook for me, one will read for me, one will go for walk with me, one will sing for me, one can bath me...." Mum smiled and said: "Then night time I don't have to accompany you to sleep." After some thought, son said: "Not possible, I still want to sleep with you mummy!" Moms eyes fill up with tears of happiness: "My sweet son!" "Then who will sleep with your 7 wives?" "Let them sleep with daddy!" Dads eyes fill up with tears of happiness. "My sweet son!"

The Brewing Argument

A man and his wife are having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife says, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband says, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "WHAT?!? I can't believe that! Show me." So she fetches the Bible, opens the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

The Trucker and the Waitress

A trucker came into a truck stop coffee shop and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Food Quotes

It's So Hot... One Liners

Forgot His Prayers

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!” Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook!”

The Way it Used to Be

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather. He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change." Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents. "Can't do that today, though. No siree Bob!" "Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy. "Too many bloody cameras."

How to Handle Hot Trash

It's a nice day at the university, when members of the teaching staff, a physicist, a law professor, a political science professor, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire! The political science professor says: "Don't worry! I'll take care of everything!" and proceeds to exit the room. The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!" The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!" The law professor declares: "Please stop blaming the victim, you have yet to prove the can is indeed on fire!" Meanwhile, the three turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire! "What the heck are you doing??" they scream at him. "Getting a proper sample size!"

It's Going to Cost You...

One day, while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. "Father, this place is great, but there is one thing missing," he said. "What is that my son?" God asked. "Well, it would be nice to have a mate: I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animals have mates but me. All I'm asking for is: a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who likes making love like I do, never has a headache, will cook, clean and be at my beck and call morning, noon and night," pleaded Adam. "Wow, that's a tall order, though perhaps I have just such a creature in mind. But," said the Lord, "it's going to cost you big time." "Oh yeah, how much?" said Adam "An arm and a leg," replied God. Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked: "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

Pizza Puns