An American couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word. The American couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Vell,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.” The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?” The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”

At my first job I was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that, I tried being a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next, I tried working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because I got tired of the same old grind. Then, I tried being a chef - I figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. Next, I tried working in a deli, but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was as a musician, but I eventually found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied for a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next up was a job in a shoe factory - I tried hard, but I just didn't fit in. After that, I became a fisherman, but I discovered I couldn't live on my net income. Next, I managed to get a job at a pool maintenance company, but the work was too draining. So after that I got a job at a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but I realized there was no future in it. My last job was when I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. So, I tried retirement! And I Found I'm PERFECT For the Job!

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night. Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined like the sun. Tim's eyebrows went up with curiosity. I continued to tell him that the first thing I did that day was to look up the local horse racing track contenders. Tim raised an eyebrow. I told him that the number 5 contender in the 5th race was named "The Fifth Element." Tim started grinning. Then I told him of what I did to make sure I get my luck working in my favor. I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of orange juice I went for a 5 mile jog to feel good. I spent 5 minutes in the shower washing off. I dressed in the 5th shirt I found. I sat in my car for 5 minutes before beginning to drive, then I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row. I entered through the 5th admissions gate and bought 5 programs. I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race. I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start. "Well," said Tim. "Did your horse win??!?" I frowned at Tim and said, "Stupid horse came in 5th."

There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Chevelle if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure." So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend: "I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you to maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down." With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, an orange Camaro came up beside them and before you knew it, the fellow driving the Chevelle forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Chevelle. A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Camaro and a Chevelle racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he’s 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting nearby. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. Every time the teen looked over, he’d catch my dad still staring. Eventually, the teenager had enough and sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?” Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to avoid choking on his comeback. I knew he’d have a good one, and, of course, in classic fashion, he didn’t even blink when he replied: “Got drunk once and had a wild night with a parrot. Just wondering if you were my son.”

Joshua calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow." "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is a holiday. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the holiday meal. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore." A half hour later, Joshua receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there!" Joshua promises. After hanging up from his daughter, he turns to his wife and says, "You were right! They're coming, and we don't even have to pay our half of the tickets!"