“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
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