“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien