“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
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