"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
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