“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
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