“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
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