“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
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