“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
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