Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
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