"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
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