“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“Monday should be optional.”
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