“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
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