“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
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