“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Time wounds all heels."
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
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