"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
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