“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
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