George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
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