"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
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