“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"I don't tan. I burn"
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
The temperature can only go up from here.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
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