"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
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