"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
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