“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
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