“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
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