“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
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