"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
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