Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
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