"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
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