“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
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