“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
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