"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
"I don't tan. I burn"
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
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