“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
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