"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
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