"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
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