"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
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