"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
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