“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
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