Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
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