“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
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