“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
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