“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
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