“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
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