“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.