“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
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