“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
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