"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
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