“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
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