“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
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