"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes