“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
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