“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
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