“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
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