“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
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