“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
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