“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
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