“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
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