“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
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