“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
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