“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
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