“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
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