“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
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