“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman