“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
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