“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx