“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
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