“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
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