“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
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