“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
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