“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
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