“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
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