“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
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