"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
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