"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
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