"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."