"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Time wounds all heels."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."