"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Time wounds all heels."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"