“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
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