"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
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