“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst