“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
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