“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
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