“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
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