“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
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