“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney