"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
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