"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
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